To Die

My Zara-at-best budget does not permit me to purchase this $520 dress from Helmut Lang (www.net-a-porter.com), but I am salivating over it right now. In fact I am salivating over the entire collection. This is the kind of stuff that cool girls wear when they go out. With messy hair and a leather jacket and black fingernails. Leave the strapless dresses to that chick from Ohio OK?

That Necklace

On a good day, Giuliana DePandi Seacrest Ranic is tolerable at best. There’s something “gagging to fit the Hollywood mold” about her, what with the tan skin and the spider arms and the ginormous alien head. She’s always going on and on about George Clooney the way Rosie O’Donnell used to about Tom Cruise. Poor Anna Kendrick (who also annoys me, but in a different way) bore the brunt of this tired gimic at the Globes when Giuliana tried flagging down Clooney with Kendrick as bait. Didn’t pan out well, and Anna ended up standing there making that “you’re a 12-year-old” face. So. Last night I watched that terrible fashion police show on E! with Joan Rivers who keeps making gruesome jokes about her saggy boobs and bathroom habits. Giuliana is sitting there looking very tan and styled once again and a picture of Joan Allen pops up on the screen with Joan wearing some sort of frightening necklace at the SAG’s (above photo courtesy of Go Fug Yourself, obvs). It’s terrible, everyone agrees, and Joan (Rivers, that is) says something about calamari which makes no sense at all. And THEN Giuliana, out of nowhere, likens the piece to Brad Pitt’s facial hair, which is actually an astute and funny observation. I thought to myself: I’m not sure that actually just happened. Or did her gay assistant feed her that line? But either way, credit where credit is due.

Kudos

Aziz Ansari is annoying funny. Kind of like a dog who is ugly cute. For example, I really like him and he makes me laugh, but not in the traditional sense. I DVR’d his Comedy Central special “Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening” last week and there were definitely parts where I was like allllriiight, we get your point. But the majority of his material is damn good. Because it takes guts to be a comedian no joke, but it takes a special brand of guts to spend five+ minutes making fun of Kanye West.

Hey Girl

I’m trying to keep things PG here, but the F*ck Yeah! Ryan Gosling website (fuckyeahryangosling.tumblr.com) is amazing--and also a giggle fit waiting to happen.

Hamm's Ham

Jon Hamm is hosting SNL this weekend, sigh. Last year I somehow found myself at an SNL after-party (still not sure how it happened, shhh) and I ended up hanging out with these random dudes who were kind of drunk and annoying. Anyway, little did I know that—hello—they were also rolling with Jon Hamm. So I had a brief convo with Hamm and he was totally cool and humble and normal, class act. Glad so many good things are happening for him and he hasn’t gone all Piven on us.

Show Cats

Did you know there is such a thing as “show cats”? As in, cats that win trophies and ribbons for walking around an auditorium. As in, Best in Show, The Sequel: Show Cats. My friend was on line at the airport yesterday behind a woman who apparently…shows cats. Not only does this woman “show” cats, mind you, but she also talks about it loudly, in public. This is the kind of stuff you can’t make up. And also the kind of stuff that makes me queasy…with wonderment.